he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
