I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
