my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
