Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The air was thick with penises
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
