also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
