I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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