omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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