Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
