don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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