I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
