i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
