I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
