why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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