My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
