Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
