I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
