but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
