dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
