Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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