The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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