Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
