A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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