She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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