Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
