thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
