The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
