I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
