apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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