she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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