Acid is not a monday night drug
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
