Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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