Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
