I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Be still, my beating vagina.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize