dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
