I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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