a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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