Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
