Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize