Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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