She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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