I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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