Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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