my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
