just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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