I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
