I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
