I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
