he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
3 2 1 whiskey
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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