Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
