im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
