I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
