Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ugly people sure do ruin things
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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