but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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