you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
