and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
