"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Farmville is her only friend.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
