something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
